Af the end of my M1x2 year, the "girls" and I traveled to Las Vegas in between our final test and the comprehensive exam. I will sum up the trip with the following quote from the vacation: "Marqee - VIP, free drinks, bottle service, Dom Perignon, dancing till 2 am. It was A-mazing and I never, ever want to do it again."
Following these three days of madness, we all passed the comp and patted ourselves on the back for partying rather then studying for a pass/fail test. And boom goes the dynamite.
The summer consisted of pure bliss. I worked two jobs - research, as well as, my waitressing job at Mahogany. Apparently, research looks good on a CV, however, I have yet to come out with a paper so really, for me, it was $3700 and something to "do" so that my dad wouldn't get on my back and so that when people asked, "Are you doing research?" I could respond with a "yes, of course, I'm actually doing it with a minimally invasive surgeon who works in robotic surgery." See, sounds impressive. Check. Mahogany was awesome, as always.
I also had a 3 week rotation with a general surgeon. To sum up the experience, I would use the word, extraordinary. It was the first time medicine looked like it did in my dreams growing up. This guy worked his butt off, was well respected, happy, happily married with kids, reserved, yet refined, nice, patient, yet high expectations, smart, talented, worked out, an awesome surgeon, a great teacher, funny, played the guitar, well respected by his staff and patients - i could go on for days. Ah, I wonder how I become THAT kind of doctor. I just don't see it happening in this atmosphere. I think I become more and more bitter each day, as well as, down on myself. I also wonder how a girl becomes a surgeon and is happy. I honestly do not think it is possible. I'm 26, only a 2nd year and somehow I am supposed to finish med school, finish a residency, get married and have a child in the next probably 7 years (if I want my child to be without downs and my husband to NOT have been divorced prior). I'm going to need a nap.
Other then all the working, the summer was pure fun. Skinny dipping, hungover brunches, an accidental slip with Dr. Australia, as well as, Condo John (yes, I have since refrained from this activity for 6 months, filling one hand is NOT ok #slut), pool days at Dr. Redhead's parents house, doing nothing, trip to Denver with my best dental friend. Honestly, it felt like what i think life is supposed to feel like - work, yes, but enjoyment. It feels so good to be able to just "be".
Well, anyways, back in it since August. Updates. Hmm. I think I am beginning to accept the fact that I am just not a pure talent or really even that smart. This doesn't make most days any easier or me less disappointed in myself, but facing reality has made me less likely to make any rash decisions ie. you know what I mean. Updates on the med school class front...hmm, well Dr. Ms America slept with Dr. Swag Nag on the "priviledged kid's" two week trip to Thailand. A following HPV infection, as well as, combination of deusch and crazy has since led to a bit of a rift between groups. Dr. Redhead still worries about "the rainbow" but I am nearly 97% sure she is OK. I also am glad I have her. Dr. H's husband yelled at me for being a bad christian and not respecting the constitution of marriage. Thus, I don't think their marriage is going well and I apparently am to blame. Dr. All the Right Moves in All the right places and I do not talk. He is the perfect Christian and realized I am not. Surprise! Dr. Virgin Wes got engaged to a girl in his small group from the church i used to go to where the average age is 23 yo and the average number of married people with kids is 94%. This could be an exaggeration, but it is likely that it is not. Anyways, he met his now fiance in their small group. You think the one night stand he had with the Dr. above me less then a year ago came up in the small group discussion? No, seriously, I do wonder.
Ok, as for me...I am "talking" to Dr. Irish Indian. It's really progressing slowly, mostly because I think I am trying to restore some sort of relationship with God and I am currently in the dark as to who I am, what I am doing, where I am going or what I want - in life, relationships, career, faith, etc. It's interesting because this blog has honestly been started during a very, very "dark" period of my life. A period Lifesaver Sue described as a very humbling experience (understatement), one where I fell off the wagon and the wagon ran me over. I did get back up, but I'm pretty sure I've just been going through the motions, hesitant to want or desire anything, in fear of being disappointed again. Anyways, I began this in order to say that the tone of the blog may be in a transition. I started this Fresh Start group and I think it's really beginning to change my perspective and I hope, my course in life. "I" will probably get in the way of any change, but I hope for something different. We will see.
Well, to tie this all to the title, I will tell you a story.
I enter lecture hall the other morning, coffee in hand, ready to learn and to my surprise Dr. Arthritis, big wig faculty, is talking to those in the lecture hall. I take a quick seat as someone asks why we still have the z-score. Dr. Arthritis went on to say how they have tried to take it away in the past, but the students who wanted to see their "brilliance" were upset they had no way of knowing how smart they were and so it wasn't fair to them. Phew, thank GAWD we can reinforce the top ten's brilliance. In return, 120 some people will be left to question who they are or if they matter every single day. Or maybe just 1...me. Nonetheless, congratulations to the brilliant! Let BeeeeriLIANCE shine on! Anyways, this ruined my day. The end.