Deja Vu

Well, it is only 3 weeks until I will no longer be living in deja vu. I officially will have served my time for dropping out of med school and will have completed the same amount of my M1 year that I completed once before - except this time, no doubt, with a more stylish swag. O man. I will assume you are congradulating me and you can assume I am doing a slight curtsy.

I am still sleeping with Dr. Hilarious. And we are also now in love. He calls me an emotional bomb, I call him fat, I blame med school, he blames fourth year, it's all a very lovely not so romantic love afair. Will I marry him? I don't know. Life savor Sue (my counselor) says "you'll know." Interesting. Such a conflict of being a woman, wanting a ring (a big one, shallow, i know) and checking that box. But honestly, he is the best man I have ever dated, patient, kind, loving, accomplished. I don't know what I am missing. I get so frustrated with myself. I told dad I was worried about his weight, drinking, and gambling. He said to grow up and asked if Dr. Hilarious supports me, loves me, is a good man. I couldn't deny any of those points.

And O med school. OooOOo. That's not what you may think. If med school gave me that I would jump at the chance to go to class. Instead, i continue to fight the battle. Sometimes, I wonder if others love it and never question the parts of medicine I do. I will admit, I have a negative perspective and I get jealous. So jealous. Ms. America is a genius and I am jealous. There it is. I said it. She missed 3 on the renal/lung test. This is not normal. And I can barely stand to be around her when it comes to school stuff because she knows it all and I swell with insecurity. Then my mind goes wild. I worry suddenly that everyone will go into dermatology, except me. I wonder if I will ever let go. Secretly, I wonder if I will ever "let go and let God."

I will say, I am playing the game of med school much better this time around - raising my z score, limiting team work, and shrugging my shoulders more often. And so despite hating the idea of research, I applied to a research program this summer. "It will look good on your CV" - I hear. I just remind myself it's $3000, and that I am poor.

I also have a crush. We will call him Dr. All the Right Moves in All the RIght Places. He is a perfect christian.

Well, I will sign off with the running list of questions that swing through my mind on a consistent basis.

Dr. Hilarious comes home on Monday. Why am I not excited?
Dr. All the RIght Moves in All the RIght Places may come out tonight. Why am I excited?
Am I smart enough to ever actually be a doctor?
What kind of a doctor will I become when I don't want to be a doctor at all?
Will I take the path less traveled or will i continur to yearn for the material and try to fill the holes with nothingness.


Ps. I went with Abused GIrl to her divorce hearing. She means the world to me and I am so proud of her.