"What I feared has come upon me." - Job 33:25

Tonight I'm thinking of the song "Somewhere Out There" from the movie An American Tail.

I wonder if there is somewhere out there where dreams come true. My dream has fallen to pieces. Yesterday would have been the last day of my first year of med school. Instead, I am on a medical leave of absence. Ddx: depression. But if you ask me, I'd diagnose myself with complete loss of heart.

I wasn't cutting it. And rather than fail in front of everyone, I attempted to get out. Well, my attempt failed and has caused an array of new problems. Minor detail.

I'm currently working two jobs to pay back the 30 grand I just threw down the drain. One job is at this premier steakhouse where all the upity rich people come to diiiine. I think it only adds to my depression to witness the drastic seperation between the haves and the have-nots. Of course I am jealous, but another part of me finds it all pathetic. ...and depressing.

I'm still dating that cute boy. He's still an amazing man. But he is obsessed with school and boards. I guess I can't blame him...but honestly, a part of me knows it's not just school or step 1's, but the rest of his life. If there is not time now, how can I expect he will find time to fit me in later? Rotations next year, traveling in search of residencies 4th year, residency, fellowships, private practice, etc, etc. I want to think it will change, but know the reality. Honestly, I just want a date to my sister's wedding and a big part of me has a feeling he won't even make that a priority. O Medicine. Why couldn't my dream have been to be a teacher or a "business woman" like in Romi and Michelle's high school reunion. Than at least I could have tried for the "business woman's lunch special." Dang.

Am I going to go back? Probably. How do you change 17 years of brainwashing yourself. you don't.