Update

Ps. I went back.

I'm a first year, x2. There's so much to catch up on. I can do a quick run down of the highlights to catch you up to speed to today.

That cute boy, the one uber obsessed with school, well, like I predicted, he pulled out of my sister's wedding (not the only thing he's pulled out of). So I dumped him. This occured right around the time my entire life was falling apart ie. after I dropped out of medical school and spent four days in the hospital for unsaid reasons. So to get over it, I cried with my dad (yes, i was also still living at home) and then I ran 13 miles at 2 am. Oh, and about two months after this, I gave him a nice drunken delayed rage rant. Dropping out of medical school, a week in the hospital while we were together and a crazy drunk call after the fact....I really think he has to miss me.

He will be fine. Actually, fantastic. He's tall, goodlooking, rich and got a 250 on Step 1. Thank gawd he has diabetes or it just wouldn't be fair.

Alright, well, I spent my summer working in a trailor park mowing lawns. In hindsight, this job really fit well with the time in my life.

Then came O-week...number 2. Ms America, a girl in my class quickly became my best friend, I slept with Condo John and I met my now boyfriend, Dr. Hilarious. It was a good week.

10 weeks of anatomy followed. Many good times. I honored this time. Thank God. Literally, I thank Him daily.

Now I sit studying BC. A little nervous about that first test...the one that was the start of my quarter life crisis a year ago.

Like my sister says, I was on the right track, just the wrong train. So I forge ahead on my new train toward becoming a doctor. Still completely, unsure of where God really hopes for me to go.

ok, 15 min break over.

"What I feared has come upon me." - Job 33:25

Tonight I'm thinking of the song "Somewhere Out There" from the movie An American Tail.

I wonder if there is somewhere out there where dreams come true. My dream has fallen to pieces. Yesterday would have been the last day of my first year of med school. Instead, I am on a medical leave of absence. Ddx: depression. But if you ask me, I'd diagnose myself with complete loss of heart.

I wasn't cutting it. And rather than fail in front of everyone, I attempted to get out. Well, my attempt failed and has caused an array of new problems. Minor detail.

I'm currently working two jobs to pay back the 30 grand I just threw down the drain. One job is at this premier steakhouse where all the upity rich people come to diiiine. I think it only adds to my depression to witness the drastic seperation between the haves and the have-nots. Of course I am jealous, but another part of me finds it all pathetic. ...and depressing.

I'm still dating that cute boy. He's still an amazing man. But he is obsessed with school and boards. I guess I can't blame him...but honestly, a part of me knows it's not just school or step 1's, but the rest of his life. If there is not time now, how can I expect he will find time to fit me in later? Rotations next year, traveling in search of residencies 4th year, residency, fellowships, private practice, etc, etc. I want to think it will change, but know the reality. Honestly, I just want a date to my sister's wedding and a big part of me has a feeling he won't even make that a priority. O Medicine. Why couldn't my dream have been to be a teacher or a "business woman" like in Romi and Michelle's high school reunion. Than at least I could have tried for the "business woman's lunch special." Dang.

Am I going to go back? Probably. How do you change 17 years of brainwashing yourself. you don't.

A day of Epic Failure Can Sometimes Be Your most Successfully Lived Day

Yesterday, I participated in Tar Wars, which is a volunteer activity where med students go to a fifth grade classs and teach kids to not smoke. Beyond the fun of our teams complete disorganization and lack of math ability, the highlight was one of the last student questions. I quote, "I would just take the drugs or cigarettes and throw them away when I got home b/c I saw a commercial where this girl said no to taking drugs from a guy and then he stabbed her." And thus, another classic, my life is ridiculous med school story.

Welp, as though hanging with fifth graders for an hour weren't enough, we and be we I mean my group of lifesavers (those students/friends who will get me through med school alive, I hope) headed to the race track. O wait, this was after Don a Millies, where I successfully downed 3, 99 cent margaritas. Yes, I was the only one drinking, no I had not eaten and yes, med school makes you an alcoholic at the wierdest 3 o'clock in the afternoon moments. Anyways, yes, we headed to the track in order to race out our week's rage and hate for the kidney. After $65 dollars, ten minutes of wrecklass (drunk driving in my case) 55 mph go cart driving, and getting yelled at for "not controlling our carts" the rage had somewhat subsided.

At this point my friday is only beginning. After heading back to campus, dressing up in top hats, big sunglasses and alien head gear, we headed over to pick up our cardio tests. Another 3 patients dead and by that I mean the test didn't go well and I in fact, cannot yet save you, me or even a dog from a heart attack. Dang.

No tears have been shed thus far, and honestly, the night is looking up b/c I have a new crush and we were supposed to get coffee and study for the night. So, I head downtown to the coffee place he likes to study at and after searching I find an open parking area, look for any tow signs, and don't see them (apparently, I am both stupid and blind) and park. My hot crush was running late so i went into the coffee shop. 3 minutes later, my hot crush calls telling me there was a tow truck with what can only be my car on the back. Long story short, after 3 minutes, I lost my car to a tow truck dirt bag and 5 minutes later, I borrowed $200 from my hot crush in order to get it back. O and the toe truck dirt bag made me climb up onto the two truck in order to get into my car and drive it down the ramp. My hot crush gave me a lift, which is the ONLY reason any of this is at all OK.

At this point, I told God to "bring it," laughed and followed my hot crush the wrong way down a one way street, which I believe was God's way of saying "Oh, it's brung" (which is not a word, but honestly, I do not care).

Ok, well despite this day from hell, it turned out to be the best day of my life. My hot crush is a nice guy... who knew. We watched my all-time fav funny movie, drank screw top wine (my first good luck of the day) and the rest is written on cloud 9, where I currently sit.

O and did I mention this enter day occurred with my in a dress.

Today, med school, you once again b*tch-slapped me and I could not care less. ;)

The end.

Reeeeeally Starting to Get It

Ten things I have learned after one semester of med school:

1. I, in fact, do not want to be a doctor.
2. In the worst case scenario I will become a doctor.
3. A post-test date with an M2 can be splendid, however, the reality is he knows that you know the neither of you have time for a relationship come Monday.
4. Med school should be taught on a need to know based curriculum.
5. You are indeed trading your personality for an identity.
6. Personality becomes your favorite characteristic in people as you lose your own.
7. Every med student should be assigned a counselor, who is normal and not a doctor, in order to keep them sane in their insane reality.
8. I think if I could be any organ, the smartest choice would be to be the heart because it never rests. This would make me a perfect med student.
9. It's hard to find your niche, but the friends you do find are the ones who you thank if you make it.
10. Everyday, I will want to quit.

Tomorrow is Monday. Shoot me in the head.