Saturday, March 26, 2011

Not Sure Why

I have decided one of the best questions one can ask in med school is simply, "why?" Despite the fact that i could, but do not, raise my hand to ask why throughout every class, does not mean that I don't have a million questions. But lately, my "whys" do not pertain to the lecture material. Instead, they just pertain the life stuff.

Here's a glimpse. Ms. America. Why. Why does it come so simply. Yesterday, at the neuro lab table - yes, us "four mean girls" are lab partners - Dr. Sarcastic came up in convo. Personally, I love Dr. Sarcastic and have always thought he is smart, witty and unconventional. But in this particular convo, Ms. America described him as one of those people who just works super hard, but still doesn't do well. Hm. Immediately, I thought, sad. Then it occured to me that this is a sentence that could very well describe me, as well. Rude. Why does this bother me? Will all of us who fall below the high pass/honor range never cut it - as doctors or worthy individuals?

I will admit, despite being mediocre myself, I so often find myself judging and putting down mediocrity. Or perhaps, moreso, praising those that are more perfect, those that go after it and do in fact, get it. The Dr. Bone-asses, the Ms. Americas, etc. This may be what I'm finding to be the saddest aspect of myself, an aspect i'm ashamed of, yet continue to foster. For example, on the phone yesterday with Dr. Hilarious, we were talking about how Dr. Meghan Roomie was looking for boards advice. He chimed, "I'll give her advice." Immediately, I think, "Why you?" Dr. Hilarious did not do well on step 1's, and doesn't it make sense to ask those people her were successful, not those who failed. I found myself disappointed, I felt unrest knowing that my man wasn't one of the go after it and get it types that is at least, in terms of board scores. But then I think and know in the back of my mind, based on my history that I too, moreso then Dr. Hilarious, will probably not do exceptional on boards. Then I find myself wanting, yearning so badly to change the reality of who I am, the mediocrity.

And so I begin to ask, "why," but now in terms of everything, in terms of my life and those around me. What was the purpose of last year and my struggle and have I really delved into what it is supposed to teach me and how it is or was supposed to change me? Because I think back, remembering how horrible it was, not being able to remember, thinking I was stupid, incapable, going to be "found out," and wonder why it was so much harder last year. Not that it isn't hard now, but it is definitey doable, and I'm doing well, now. So I wonder, did God put up a brick wall to stop me, and if so, do i fully know why? And why did I have to struggle, why does Dr. Jew-Fro Andrew have to struggle. His mom and dad have been diagnosed with cancer, he has to repeat the year, his wife is a lesbian. WHY this when Ms. America will get school paid for, get her medical bills paid for, continue her quest toward dermatology (with ease), catch breaks, go on dates with other men while she has a bf, get e-mails from core directors praising her, study and remember everything, etc. Where is the peace in this?

I'll settle down. I guess, maybe I'll just end with the news I found out during my service trip to Jamaica, which happened to be matchweek for Dr. Hilarious. He got matched to Detroit. Thats a three year residency, far far away. Why would my school not pick their own president to represent them in the ER? Is it because they deemed him "sub-par" and if so, do all of us "sub-par" people not have the ability to become more, to become what we were made to be and have people look upon us with pride? I'm afraid in the medical field, there is no grace, you either are or you are not "a talent." Last year this unchangeable reality led me to the hospital. This year, I have only come up with the fact that I must just keep going. I wish I knew what purpose it will serve, the reason why I must continue.

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